I’ve been toying with the idea of writing this for a little while. The fears of both, being personal on the internet, and not being able to justly put my thoughts into copy have stopped me. This past week, I spoke at my Hillel’s shabbat service on the topic of everything happens for a reason. This was the first time I allowed myself to publicly share a bit of my broken heart story and you know what? Yes, it was emotional for me. However, it was when people came up to me thanking me for sharing and telling me how I had helped them, that I realized it is important for me to share this. Even if it helps just one person. So, without further adieu; the lessons I have learned from a broken heart.
This theme of everything happens for a reason is one that I have always found solace within and I believe others do as well. We can use this idea as a spiritual tool to accept circumstances even when we don’t understand them.
Sometimes events happen and it takes a while for us to discover why. This summer, while I was in Israel, I experienced a love that produced a story I could honestly sell the movie rights to. Unfortunately, it also produced a deep heartbreak when our final communication was an exchange of notes left for each other at seperate locations in Paris. While feeling this heartbreak, I realized I could play victim asking “why me” or I could say “this happened for a reason; what can I learn from this?”
I think I’m still searching for a definitive reason. However, I can say I learned that I am much stronger than I knew.
In life we will face many unpleasant situations. The worst of which being, the ones that are out of our control. I’ve learned that in order to heal you must allow yourself to feel. I believe humans are somewhat predisposed to replace difficult emotions with anger. Rather than feeling sadness or lonesome, we become angry and resentful to the person or circumstance causing the pain. But here’s the thing; anger will only produce more anger.
Anger has always been an emotion that doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t feel it often so when I do it really throws me off. That being said, I knew from the beginning anger was not something I wanted to feel towards this person. After all, he was, and is, someone I care deeply for. I wanted to support him to the best of my ability even if that meant I had to let him grow on his own. This whole not wanting to feel anger thing came at a price, however. The price was a broken heart and I fulfilled the payment through tears, emptiness, and at times, a loss of purpose.
At first everything felt stagnant. My level of sadness outweighed all other emotion making the events of my days run together like one flat note held down on a piano. My heartbeat like a metronome. This lasted for a while until I realized that I could not let a broken heart strip me of my ambition, passion, or happiness. I realized I was the only one allowing myself to feel defeated.
No, I didn’t snap out of it in a day. In fact, as I sit writing this a stream of tears has formed beneath my eyes. However, I recognized that there’s a sense of beauty in sadness. Isn’t it beautiful that someone touched my soul in such a way that allowed me to feel this? Isn’t it beautiful to feel? I do not fully understand why this happened to he and I. Though, the strength I found within myself in my pursuit of a reason is a beautiful product.
As a 22 year old, I am growing every day. This can be a scary time in life. I often think about who I am, what’s my passion, do I know my purpose? I don’t know about you, but, my answer to those thoughts may change daily and that is okay.
At times it can be difficult to understand the reason events happen. However, we can find comfort in knowing that life will always find its way. Where you are now, is exactly where you are supposed to be.
Let it lead your love away
I never strayed
Let it bury you away
in all your blame, in all your pain
I will carry you always